Blogging is not fun

I seem incapable of blogging spontaneously. I wish I could. Those who do seem to have much more fun.

My blog is an exercise in deliberation. My posts are usually very short, but I don't remember ever spending less than 1 hour on even the shortest, 1-paragraph post. Do I sound too whiny here? Would I offend anyone if I write that? If it's not a showcase of the most scrupulous, diligent self-censorship, I don't know what is.

Not only the content--I write, delete, rewrite sentences over and over again, so that they sound right, stylistically. I attribute it to the legacy of my journalism education. Or maybe I'm just a bit anal. A friend recently commented that my blog looks very "neat" but I know that my thoughts are anything but. I certainly don't think in such neat, short paragraphs.

For me, writing has becomes a highly deliberate, premeditated process. Writing is not "fun" but needs a purpose, an agenda. And maybe blogging is about creating an online persona. I write, therefore I am. I think many people blog so that they can write their preferred persona into existence. The truth is, what we're blogging is really not so much about what we're thinking, but what we want others to know we're thinking. ;)

Rainy season

The rainy season has started. Nothing gets me more into the end-of-the-year mood than the rain and the drop in temperature. I always feel slightly melancholic, and a bit lost in thought, around this time of the year.

Those storms during the day are depressing. I feel cold and miserable, with the harsh air-con bearing down relentlessly in the office. The sky turns into concrete, and the only way to look out at the world is through tear-stained windows.

"Pitter-patter", her tears I hear
the year sighing, "my end is near"
"but don't rue my friend, have no fear"
"when I'm reborn, the skies will clear"

Ah, what melancholy. I guess I'm just feeling a little droopy. Storms pass, so do moods.

Serve chilled

I was looking forward to this weekend. Nothing special, just that I'm finally done with a series of tests--3 in the last 3 months--and I feel like I can rest easier for the rest of the year and "reclaim" my weekends by doing what I like most, which is to nua, or slack off, chill out, bum around. Like what I'm doing now, blogging with a mug of tea at my elbow, while bobbing along to Josh Rouse's songs. It feels like a weight has been lifted off me. Long live weekends!

"A beginner's mind is a beautiful place to come from"

My fingers and arms feel sore at the sight of a violin now. I've been practising regularly for the past 2 weeks for the exam earlier today. Very often, I would lie flat out, with the violin beside me, in the middle of a session because I was feeling peng san from the practising on top of a day's work.

The exam today was OK, except for some violent bow-shaking during the 2nd exam piece, a slow one which required long, slow strokes. And each time my bow trembled, the examiner, who was mostly occupied with writing her comments, would pause and look up. It was quite unnerving, I can tell you.

I was so nervous that my knees were shaking involuntarily. While waiting for our turn, the accompanist, perhaps sensing I was jittery, starting chatting with me outside the examination studio. Strangely, I was able to keep the conversation going like everything's OK when on the inside I was panicking and going "shit, shit, I can't stop all this shaking."

Other than the bow-shaking (maybe the examiner would think I'm attempting vibrato. Yah, right!), I guess I should be glad that I didn't make stupid mistakes this time round. I hope the nice old lady examiner won't have the heart to flunk me. Before the exam, my violin teacher had said with gusto about how we shall move on to preparation for Grade 4 straight after this. I felt excited, in spite of myself.

I bemoaned last September in a post about how I came to music late in life. Sometimes, I wish I had a headstart earlier on. Maybe my teen years would have been happier, anchored by music. Someone, I can't remember who, said that kids who learn music seldom, if ever, turn bad.

But like the accompanist commented, because my classmates and I are older and we actually voluntarily commit ourselves to this, we know to appreciate it, not like some of those kids who are learning but can't really be bothered.

And as the ever-perceptive Mr Mraz (hes's on blogspot too now! Read his stuff at http://freshnessfactorfivethousand.blogspot.com/) said, "A beginner's mind is a beautiful place to come from". I hope that when it comes to music, I would always retain the zeal of a beginner. :)

How do you smoke through this exam?

I've got to give it to music exams: you can't breeze through it with dumb luck. Or through the systematic spot-the-question approach. Or smoking through it, as any mass comm graduate would tell you with a self-satisfied smirk, is the best method there is. I still giggle a bit when I think of how I aced my chinese A's and surprised everyone, including myself.

There's no way you can fool the music examiner into thinking that you have been practising religiously when you haven't. You can't lie with music. Or at least I can't. Or maybe it's more accurate to say that your musical instrument won't be an accomplice to that lie. It'll show you up one way or another--in my case, bow shake is a nice possibility, and so is the slanted bowing that produces my signature screechy playing style.

But I must say the opposite ain't true all the time: even if you have put in the requisite time and effort for the exam, stage fright is still something you've got to reckon with. I was so nervous last year that the (wrong) response that came out from my mouth to a question for the aural component was exactly the opposite of what I was thinking.

So here goes the same refrain that I suspect will repeat itself year after year: I wish I had practised more. I've been lazy and unfocused. There're still so many kinks in my playing that I haven't straightened out and the exam is less than 2 weeks away. Last week someone says its commendable that my passion for music has lasted thus far. I was having a bad day and was tempted to skip the violin lesson later in the evening; I mumbled that it's more of a habit and a sense of duty than anything else now. I think I was giving excuses. Good thing about music exam is that it forces me to invest in my violin playing, and I find that I actually care about whether I'm going to flunk the exam, whether I'm improving, and whether and how I can correct my horrible all-over-the-place bowing in the near future.

But it does sounds a bit like empty rhetoric to my own ears because I was once again distracted, from my practice to blog about how I should be practising more! OK, OK, back to playing now.