A catch-up post

As much as I try to be optimistic, this has been a difficult year for me. I feel tired most of the time, and come down with the flu almost every month. It has been a stressful time at work due to the people and change and work.

It's hard to get excited about anything, let alone accomplishing anything. Which is why I haven't blogged in months. My skies are grey and overcast. I can't see anything ahead. I can't plan anything beyond the next vacation, which is itself nothing but a temporary escape.

I sometimes wonder if it is because I'm behind most of my peers. Just a glance at Facebook shows that many are getting married or having babies and setting up their own families. But when I asked myself if these will make me happier now, my answer is, not really, not yet.

My biggest wishes now will be to see more of the world, make more friends, and be immersed in something that I'm truly interested in and am good at. But why, is it so difficult to achieve these things?

Thunderstorms brewing in my head

For the past few weeks, my life had revolved around the World Cup. People are usually surprised to hear that I follow the tournament, even more so when I say I bet. I'm surprised myself, since I don't follow soccer. But I realised that it's a terrific form of escapism. And do I need one these days.

It's been a difficult time emotionally. I've been angry, temperamental, irritated, frayed at the edges. I've said harsh words, waged cold wars, sulked and been "mean" (or so a colleague whined). But when there is a match, for 90 minutes and more, I can forget about everything else and channel my frustration via the WC matches, rant about ineptness of my favourite teams, obsess about Paul and cheer and groan and get worked up in unison with everyone else. Besides, it's a great way to bond with my pals. :)

But with the last match played on Monday, my break from reality is over. I take a good look at myself and feel bad about my tantrums. I hope those people whom I had snapped at will understand. As the Switchfoot song goes, I am just one of those "crooked souls trying to stay up straight".

Ascending Bird--Silk Road Ensemble and Yo-Yo Ma

This Persion folk melody was my favourite piece performed at the Silk Road concert last Thursday, a concert that I had been looking forward to for almost a year. I feel lucky to have been there. The performers looked like they really love what they do, and the audience were just as enthusiastic. Oh, and Yo-Yo Ma was there too. :)

These hands were meant to create

Recently, I borrowed a book from the library about the how's of living a "charmed life". Each chapter describes a different way of how you can achieve it. One was about making things with our hands. The author particularly likes to make handicraft because it makes her feel accomplished. Humans were meant to make things with their hands, because we were born with opposable thumbs, she explained.

I have a pair of nervous hands, which perhaps reflect my personality. They perspire on and off for no reason, and they shake. They don't sound like a major problem, but maybe, due to the human tendency to yearn for what we cannot have, the skills and hobbies that I am interested in usually rely heavily on a pair of steady hands. Like Chinese calligraphy, photography, playing the violin, drawing.

I was having lunch in the office pantry when I overhead this Filippino woman telling her lunch kakis that her hands perspire often.

If you were a guy, you won't be allowed to hold guns for National Services, her local friend quipped.

These hands were not meant to kill. That was the first thought that popped up in my mind about my hands.

But the trembling troubles me, very much in fact. I am making chicken soup for dinner tonight and as I was cutting up the potato and the carrot, my sister and mother watched and commented that I was shaking badly. It was quite a helpless feeling: even for something as basic as cooking, I can't do it properly.

I have been visiting a Chinese physician for acupunture and taking medicine. I sure hope it works. Calm and steady hands, something that others probably take for granted is something that I can only wish I could have one day.

Hoping for rain

My umbrella’s tired of the sun wearing me down
Oh, why won’t you come now?
If it’s the long fall back to earth you fear
I promise to wait here
and catch you with my palms wide open
As you fall like teardrops from the heavens