What are you calling me?

So I had been telling family, close friends, and colleagues that I want to get an English name. I had expected them to be a bit bewildered and ask "Why?" and "Why only now?", but most of them took it in just like that, and enthusiastically threw up all sorts of suggestions.


Suggested names included Tessa, Summer, Jennifer, Jody, Julia, Judith (I have a preference for J names), Heather, and even Maureen. Actually, I already had June in mind. But there were more no's than yes's for it. Too common, was the most common refrain. You don't look like a June, said my eldest sis. The June's she knows are all , well, bigger in built. 


There are so many pretty names out there that it'd be difficult to choose. Once I become a June, I can't become a Sarah. If I had my way, I'd be called June Summer Sarah Tessa Teng. :) But I've like June for a long time. Though I cannot recall how and when I first liked the name, I remember as a student practising my signature as "June Teng", imagining myself signing off my credit card purchases with a flourish.  


The reason I'm doing this only now is mainly because of my parents. Being conservatively Chinese, my father didn't even like it if letters addressed me as PH Teng, with my surname last instead of first. As teenagers we've asked them before if we can have English names, and they explicitly said no. But the years seem to have softened them, and I'm about the change my IC anyway, so what better time than now? 


I had explained to my sister that I feel no affinity to my given name. My ex-work neighbour was one of the most enthusiastic in giving me suggestions for names. He said, can you imagine having to introduce yourself as PH to people for the first time. I instinctively and hotly defended my name, saying that it's perfectly fine. Because even though I do not quite identify with it, it is mine and given by my parents. But I guess, I do want something that I can identify with, finally. So even though most people asked me to consider other alternatives, I will probably stick with June when I finally get around to replacing my IC, because it feels right, and comfortable to me, like a slightly over-sized woollen sweater. But it's probably going to take some getting used to. And of course, my dear friends and family can use it if they want, and not if they don't. Hello, my name is June. :)

Day 11

I'm in the throes of PMS today. Actually, make that most of this month. My period is 11 days late and counting. My back is stiff and I feel uber tired, not to mention a little sorry for myself. So obviously, I didn't achieve great things today. But at least I haven't snapped at anyone (Except my mother during the weekend. Shit.) or scooted off into a corner, sulking. And I managed to get work done today, on top of learning about modulation of keys in music. That's not too bad. Props to myself!

Sunshine beckons

"What a long, maddening, illuminative year this has been" was how I described 2010 on Facebook.

A colleague saw it and thought I was complaining. "It could have been better, huh?", he asked. Yes, it certainly could have been better, but it wouldn't have been as educative. As I replied, any pain or struggle along the way was worth it.

It has been a curious year during which I went through quite a lot of ups and downs, mostly the latter. Due to the stress and upsets (imagined or otherwise) at the workplace, not to mention being worn down by minor ailments that I couldn't shake off, I was in low spirits for a large part of the year.

During those wintry months when my soul caught a chill, I had lots of down time to hibernate and reflect on myself. There is this a flighty, Geminian side of me that becomes preoccupied with new people and acquaintances. But I really ought to be nicer to and more appreciative of the people who matter, people who have been in my life for a long time, like my family and close friends. People in the workplace, they figure prominently in my daily life, but most likely, they will fade away once I leave the place.

Maybe the year was tough going also because I worry too much, about where I'm headed to next, whether I'm too different to ever fit into anyone's scheme of things, or too old to make something out of my life. But I think I'm getting better at this--since hitting 30 my angst level has been dropping off ever so gently. This is one advantage of age that I hadn't reckon on. :) Life would be easier if I take myself, and everything else, less seriously. Since boo-boos happen whether I like them or not, might as well view them with good humour.

In 2010, I was sitting still, waiting quietly for my grey skies to clear. And, thankfully, the gloom did lift during the last months. Now, the first faint rays of sunshine in 2011 seem to beckon me to come out and play. Perhaps that is what I'll do. I've done my fair share of worrying to last me a long time. May 2011 be filled with sunshine and promise for you reading this, yes, all 2 of you!

Truth

One thing I learnt this year: Truth takes time. In its own time, in the right season, truth will unfold itself.

A catch-up post

As much as I try to be optimistic, this has been a difficult year for me. I feel tired most of the time, and come down with the flu almost every month. It has been a stressful time at work due to the people and change and work.

It's hard to get excited about anything, let alone accomplishing anything. Which is why I haven't blogged in months. My skies are grey and overcast. I can't see anything ahead. I can't plan anything beyond the next vacation, which is itself nothing but a temporary escape.

I sometimes wonder if it is because I'm behind most of my peers. Just a glance at Facebook shows that many are getting married or having babies and setting up their own families. But when I asked myself if these will make me happier now, my answer is, not really, not yet.

My biggest wishes now will be to see more of the world, make more friends, and be immersed in something that I'm truly interested in and am good at. But why, is it so difficult to achieve these things?