I had been in a stupor all weekend, feeling exhausted both in spirit and body. On my last day, I was still mired in work at 8.30pm, desperately trying to archive my emails properly for the new PE taking over my journals, while a group of colleagues and ex-colleagues waited for me. We were supposed to have a farewell dinner outside but because I couldn't leave on time they had to order in pizza to eat in the pantry. I had initially thought it's kinda sad to have dinner in the office on my last day, but I'm actually thankful that they accompanied me through to the end, so that i didn't have to be the last person to leave the office by my lonesome self.
I don't really like being the centre of attention but for some reason, my farewells usually turn out to be too big for my liking. I used to feel very uncomfortable, even somewhat frustrated that those closest to me would want to push me into the limelight when they should know better. I know now that they do this to me simply because they want me to know that I'm "dearly loved". I'm very privileged, my department head said to me, and I agree with her.
For the send-off, 3 guy colleagues performed the song "Forget You" that I had jokingly requested for a few weeks ago. One played the guitar, another the harmonica while the 3rd sang in the training room for my team and I. The singer told me they had rehearsed 6 times for this. We stayed around and sang and took photos.
For reasons that I won't go into here, this has been a very emotional farewell for me. There was a low period in my life last year when I felt that I had not made a single genuine friend in this place. But I know now that there has never been a place where I had been surrounded by so many like-minded friends who wish me well. I find it so hard to say goodbye, but yet it was the leaving that made me realise how good they've been to me. I've said goodbye to the place, but not the friends I'll have even as I move on.
My last week at W-B is finally here. It's been a busy few weeks and the past one has been stupendously tiring, with me eating dinner and junk food (for comfort) at the office and working overtime. So tired that I spent the whole Saturday in bed, climbing out only for lunch and dinner, a bit of facebooking and a walk in the park. It was so shiok that I didn't feel a bit of guilt for wasting the precious weekend at all.
But this is the last lap! The finishing line is in sight. Time to sprint now. I hope I run a good one, for myself and the others who have to take over my journals. Later!
March was really quite a month.
We finally got to see and coo over little Jarrett, Hong and Ah Beng's baby boy whom we were all waiting to meet.
My brother suffered an unexpected heartbreak--he took it hard, and we (or at least, my parents and I) along with him. My 2 sisters were calmer about it. It seems that they never did like his ex much. Me, on the other hand, had thought her to be a very nice girl. This experience taught me that when it comes to reading people, I still have much to learn.
Less than a week after that, the earthquake in Japan happened and that gave me a scare because my eldest sister is still working in Tokyo. The 2 hours after the earthquake when we couldn't reach her through the phone was some very scary 2 hours indeed. Yes, I did plenty of worrying over my siblings even though the one constant reminder to myself this year is to not worry.
And then, I found a new job and resigned from my current one, although I'm still serving my notice. I've been trying hard to spend more time with different groups of colleagues because I really want to keep them as friends thereafter. And now, back after an East Coast Park outing with my lunch kakis today, I feel quite emotional when I think about my impending departure. I'm no good with good-byes and probably never will. A thought that often runs through my mind at times of such separation is, why can't human relationships ever stay constant? Why must we fall out, break up, quarrel, leave, or die? Why do I have to feel so much, every time?
All this worrying and anxiety over other people for the past month made me realise how dear they are to me and yet another reminder to forgetful me to not take them for granted. Anyway, my sister is finally coming back home from Japan, although she will be jetting off for travels for most of this year. As for my close colleagues, a part of me know it is inevitable that we'll drift apart when we're no longer at the same place at the same time. But still, there is pleasure in converting them from colleagues to friends, because I'll always hold the latter closer to my heart.
OK, so I have been trying to do a little planning for my future and here is the rough idea: as I have just signed up for the Grade 5 practical violin exam and am thoroughly not prepared for it, from now till September my focus will be dedicated to music, both practical and theory.
After that, I will embark on a diploma in translation, for which again I feel I'm not qualified to take on. But then, I've been thinking of this for a long time, even taking up a business Mandarin course to brush up on my Chinese a little. I don't know why, but I desperately want to be effectively bilingual. Taking the diploma part-time would take up about 2 years. And after that, maybe I can realistically start to eye a master's in Chinese Studies, or something similar.
It's very tempting to want to do everything at the same time, but unfortunately I have a one-track mind and can focus only on one thing at a time. Besides, I want to have time for fun too. :) I am not confident about my competency in all these studies that I want to pursue but maybe if I do it slowly and steadily, I will eventually get there. Learning is going to be a long journey, but one which I am eager to undertake. I just hope that this plan sticks, this time!
So I had been telling family, close friends, and colleagues that I want to get an English name. I had expected them to be a bit bewildered and ask "Why?" and "Why only now?", but most of them took it in just like that, and enthusiastically threw up all sorts of suggestions.
Suggested names included Tessa, Summer, Jennifer, Jody, Julia, Judith (I have a preference for J names), Heather, and even Maureen. Actually, I already had June in mind. But there were more no's than yes's for it. Too common, was the most common refrain. You don't look like a June, said my eldest sis. The June's she knows are all , well, bigger in built.
There are so many pretty names out there that it'd be difficult to choose. Once I become a June, I can't become a Sarah. If I had my way, I'd be called June Summer Sarah Tessa Teng. :) But I've like June for a long time. Though I cannot recall how and when I first liked the name, I remember as a student practising my signature as "June Teng", imagining myself signing off my credit card purchases with a flourish.
The reason I'm doing this only now is mainly because of my parents. Being conservatively Chinese, my father didn't even like it if letters addressed me as PH Teng, with my surname last instead of first. As teenagers we've asked them before if we can have English names, and they explicitly said no. But the years seem to have softened them, and I'm about the change my IC anyway, so what better time than now?
I had explained to my sister that I feel no affinity to my given name. My ex-work neighbour was one of the most enthusiastic in giving me suggestions for names. He said, can you imagine having to introduce yourself as PH to people for the first time. I instinctively and hotly defended my name, saying that it's perfectly fine. Because even though I do not quite identify with it, it is mine and given by my parents. But I guess, I do want something that I can identify with, finally. So even though most people asked me to consider other alternatives, I will probably stick with June when I finally get around to replacing my IC, because it feels right, and comfortable to me, like a slightly over-sized woollen sweater. But it's probably going to take some getting used to. And of course, my dear friends and family can use it if they want, and not if they don't. Hello, my name is June. :)
