Day 11

I'm in the throes of PMS today. Actually, make that most of this month. My period is 11 days late and counting. My back is stiff and I feel uber tired, not to mention a little sorry for myself. So obviously, I didn't achieve great things today. But at least I haven't snapped at anyone (Except my mother during the weekend. Shit.) or scooted off into a corner, sulking. And I managed to get work done today, on top of learning about modulation of keys in music. That's not too bad. Props to myself!

Sunshine beckons

"What a long, maddening, illuminative year this has been" was how I described 2010 on Facebook.

A colleague saw it and thought I was complaining. "It could have been better, huh?", he asked. Yes, it certainly could have been better, but it wouldn't have been as educative. As I replied, any pain or struggle along the way was worth it.

It has been a curious year during which I went through quite a lot of ups and downs, mostly the latter. Due to the stress and upsets (imagined or otherwise) at the workplace, not to mention being worn down by minor ailments that I couldn't shake off, I was in low spirits for a large part of the year.

During those wintry months when my soul caught a chill, I had lots of down time to hibernate and reflect on myself. There is this a flighty, Geminian side of me that becomes preoccupied with new people and acquaintances. But I really ought to be nicer to and more appreciative of the people who matter, people who have been in my life for a long time, like my family and close friends. People in the workplace, they figure prominently in my daily life, but most likely, they will fade away once I leave the place.

Maybe the year was tough going also because I worry too much, about where I'm headed to next, whether I'm too different to ever fit into anyone's scheme of things, or too old to make something out of my life. But I think I'm getting better at this--since hitting 30 my angst level has been dropping off ever so gently. This is one advantage of age that I hadn't reckon on. :) Life would be easier if I take myself, and everything else, less seriously. Since boo-boos happen whether I like them or not, might as well view them with good humour.

In 2010, I was sitting still, waiting quietly for my grey skies to clear. And, thankfully, the gloom did lift during the last months. Now, the first faint rays of sunshine in 2011 seem to beckon me to come out and play. Perhaps that is what I'll do. I've done my fair share of worrying to last me a long time. May 2011 be filled with sunshine and promise for you reading this, yes, all 2 of you!

Truth

One thing I learnt this year: Truth takes time. In its own time, in the right season, truth will unfold itself.

A catch-up post

As much as I try to be optimistic, this has been a difficult year for me. I feel tired most of the time, and come down with the flu almost every month. It has been a stressful time at work due to the people and change and work.

It's hard to get excited about anything, let alone accomplishing anything. Which is why I haven't blogged in months. My skies are grey and overcast. I can't see anything ahead. I can't plan anything beyond the next vacation, which is itself nothing but a temporary escape.

I sometimes wonder if it is because I'm behind most of my peers. Just a glance at Facebook shows that many are getting married or having babies and setting up their own families. But when I asked myself if these will make me happier now, my answer is, not really, not yet.

My biggest wishes now will be to see more of the world, make more friends, and be immersed in something that I'm truly interested in and am good at. But why, is it so difficult to achieve these things?

Thunderstorms brewing in my head

For the past few weeks, my life had revolved around the World Cup. People are usually surprised to hear that I follow the tournament, even more so when I say I bet. I'm surprised myself, since I don't follow soccer. But I realised that it's a terrific form of escapism. And do I need one these days.

It's been a difficult time emotionally. I've been angry, temperamental, irritated, frayed at the edges. I've said harsh words, waged cold wars, sulked and been "mean" (or so a colleague whined). But when there is a match, for 90 minutes and more, I can forget about everything else and channel my frustration via the WC matches, rant about ineptness of my favourite teams, obsess about Paul and cheer and groan and get worked up in unison with everyone else. Besides, it's a great way to bond with my pals. :)

But with the last match played on Monday, my break from reality is over. I take a good look at myself and feel bad about my tantrums. I hope those people whom I had snapped at will understand. As the Switchfoot song goes, I am just one of those "crooked souls trying to stay up straight".