Music exams have always been nerve-wrecking affairs for me. Actually, make that for everyone. I wonder what is it about these exams that reduce grown-ups into quivering jelly in the exam studio. It could probably explain why my chromatic scale started on A and ended on G. The examiner paused. I paused too, and thought "shit". That was an awkward moment.
And what happened before the exam didn't help soothe the nerves. With less than 2 weeks left, our accompanist said she can't make it for our exams as she had to fly to China to handle some contract matters.
But OK, the good thing is the replacement turned out to be better. "Better" by the way, doesn't refer to their technical prowess on the piano, but their ability to set me at ease.
On the day itself, I was feeling quite calm. I had been feeding on bananas for the past few days--someone on the ABRSM forum swears that 2 bananas before the exam can calm the jitters. I even went to the park to walk off the remaining anxiety. I was ready.
I reached the exam venue half an hour before my slot. Knowing myself, I didn't want to arrive too early and end up getting all stressed up, just waiting outside the studio. The accompanist was already there. My teacher told me she wouldn't be around but another violin teacher would help me to tune my instrument. So I asked at the counter, where's the violin teacher? But the staff told me there was none.
OK, never mind. I knew the second option was to go to the nearby violin shop to get it tuned. My teacher is on good terms with them and have told them to help.
The walk there was a little farther than I thought but tuning shouldn't take long. But what did you know, the violin pegs were so stiff that the guy couldn't tune it and ended up taking all of them out and waxing them. And he even told me the E string was crooked. All this time when he was "dismantling" my violin, I was panicking and pacing the shop. I've no time left and will come back to get the pegs fixed another time, I told him. But he was resolute and said it had to be done or there's no point in going for the exam because I'll sound terrible.
It got so late that the dad of the candidate (a little boy of 12) before me came to the shop to look for me. He had earlier given me directions to the shop and was worried I was lost because I was taking so long. His boy had already started his exam. We quickly rushed back, I practised each piece once with my accompanist who tried to calm me down, and in we went to the studio.
I'm not sure whether I'll pass this exam. My accompanist wasn't sure too, as I skipped a few bars of the second piece in a moment of confusion. But it's not worrying me much. I hadn't expected to come as far as Grade 5, seeing that I almost quit after the first year of learning. And I don't mind retaking it, just so to make sure my basics are sound.
There was a time when I was convinced that music is the most universal, emotional and divine language, the language to communicate with God. And when I think of all the modalities of communication such as text, images and music, the last resonates most strongly for me. The Grade 5 exam had been stressful and I fretted quite a bit to my colleagues. One told me to stop the exams after this, and do "music appreciation" instead. That made me realise that from the perspective of an outsider, music is a source of stress to me. And it made me remember why I'm learning it in the first place. I do it because I like it, and I like playing it with others. So even though I'll always fret about the exams, I'll not forget again that above all else, I like music. And that is a good enough reason to continue on.
That's what the current president said when asked if he'd be emotional about the last national day parade he would preside over.
I think that's how my father thinks of his life as well. Depending on which doctor you ask, he has less than a year (without chemotherapy) or at least 5 to 10 more years left. The more optimistic one advised him to carry on with his life as usual and fight it as you would with any other disease.
The uncertainty of it all has been draining. From whether it really is cancer, to whether operation is possible, to how advanced it is, everything has been a question mark.
Everyone in the family feels down and some are already showing signs of stress--there's been a couple of outbursts this week. My eldest sister told me that she HATES going to the doctors with my father because she has to mentally prepare herself for the diagnosis every time and has to recount the details to me and my sister later.
I feel like a bit of a wreck too. I would have sudden urges to cry in public places, like on the MRT. Often, I feel like just curling up to sleep.
My father seems to be the calmest of us all. He kept saying that he has already lived to a ripe old age and everyone has to go some time. Now he just wants to make sure he has everything in order. A chat with him and my siblings on Friday calmed me down somewhat. Hopefully when I'm old I would be as serene as him about death and dying. Worrying is so tiring. I have to get moving again. We all have to carry on and live as best as we could, even if the time is short.
On my way to an interview this morning, I spotted this acrylic painting in the corridor entitled I Love June.
Sweeeeet. I did need a little cheering up this PMS-y morning, when the moment I stepped out of the train in Boon Lay, I wanted to step back in and go home.
I've changed my job and am back at NIE again. But this time, writing is the main responsibility and also the reason why I've gone back despite many reservations.
So far, I've written 4 articles--one of them edited beyond recognition. It needs more hard work than expected, but wasn't as scary as I thought. I used to write during my internship and there were days when I simply couldn't churn out any coherent sentences. When I did, the editor said the pieces sounded all the same. I guess that experience put me off writing for a living. It was too intense.
So the job now is quite a good fit--I get to write but not all the time, because I have to juggle other editorial administrative work.Writing is sometimes boring, often draining, and always humbling (when you get the draft back from the editor with half the content struck off and most other parts rephrased). But it's something I want to work hard at and excel in.
The recent trip to New York and Washington DC also inspired me to take up photography. NY is an especially photogenic city and it's a waste that I didn't know how to capture its vibrance. Besides, I need to take photos for my articles for the new job. I've also always wanted to be able to take nice photos for this blog instead of "stealing" other people's all the time. :)
And lastly, of course, is music. When a friend asked what was the my most enjoyable experience from the recent US trip, I said it was the NY Youth Symphony's performance at the Carnegie Hall. I can't explain why, but the music just made me feel present, that there's no better place to be than to be surrounded by the music. The enthusiasm and talent of the (very good-looking) conductor and the young players was also pretty inspiring.
Speaking of which, my violin exam is coming again! Every single time, it's a mad rush--I don't know why! But I'm switching into exam gear now and am practising more. Must Focus!
So these are the 3 things that have been keeping me happily occupied for the past weeks. Ever since hitting 30 I've tried to be more conscious of where I'm heading to in life and what I want to do. If what they say about doing what you love is true, then I hope that my career will someday, somehow, converge with this trilogy. In the meantime, I'll just have to keep working on them!
One sure sign that you're getting old is that clichés begin to make a lot more sense. I've been looking for a new name for this blog, because it seems a waste to always live in anticipation. I'll always be looking forward to better things, when the best things may be happening to me right now. So yeah, embrace the present sounds like pretty solid advice at the moment. But to stop anticipating and just live is to learn to forge ahead in spite of uncertainties. That's a learning process which I suspect will be lifelong for me.
So I was looking for a name that can convey what I think is important in life and not just in this phase of my life (because I really don't want to change my blog's title every 5 years), and clarity is a word that constantly pops up.
Clarity to me is to see things as they really are, and know that things are as they should be. And Clarity happens to be my favourite John Mayer song.
By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on
Those moments are so few and fleeting. But all of us must have experienced them at some point. And this from the Colin Firth film A Single Man expresses it the best:
A few times in my life I've had moments of absolute clarity, when for a few brief seconds the silence drowns out the noise and I can feel rather than think, and things seem so sharp and the world seems so fresh. I can never make these moments last. I cling to them, but like everything, they fade. I have lived my life on these moments. They pull me back to the present, and I realize that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be.
Not being able to hold on to these moments, I can live with, because knowing that I once had them matters more. Unlike George in the film, I don't live my life only on them because confusion and perplexity are always there, but in their wake they leave me with hope that I'll live it a little better.
