Try and try again

The grade 2 violin exam which I took yesterday, my first music exam, was something that I've been dreading for 2 months.

I was very reluctant to sign up for the exam initially, because learning the violin for recreational purposes was stressing me up enough as it was, and also because taking the exam, which I wasn't even sure of passing, require hundreds of dollars. I grumbled that I must pass it or quit learning it.

The violin is something that I wrestle with. I stumbled upon music late in life. My fingers are stiff, and my hands, too small for my full-sized violin. I don't have a good sense of rhythm and my sight-reading ability is questionable at best. I'm a nervous wreck when playing the violin and always fumble over notes. I just wasn't making any improvement, and my enthusiasm was waning dangerously.

I still wrestle with it, but after 2 months of more intensive practising, sometimes, just sometimes, I feel like I get it, like I'm really playing music. My fingers know where to go, the bowing feels smooth and loses its usual jarring quality, and I feel like I'm actually getting into the groove of it.

Anyway, the exam was a disaster. I was so nervous my mind drew a blank when I was asked to play the F major appregio. So silly of me to practise it over and over again and only to panic and forget it when it matters the most. The rest of the exam was a blur. I came out in a shocked daze, and proceeded to binge on a subway sandwich and pepperidge farm chocolate cookies.

Anyway, yah, 2 months of numbing practising have actually made me realise how much I wish to really play the violin, and not wrestle or fumble with it and make all those terrible screeching noises with it again. So even if I flunk this time, I've decided to continue learning it. Try and try again.