One sure sign that you're getting old is that clichés begin to make a lot more sense. I've been looking for a new name for this blog, because it seems a waste to always live in anticipation. I'll always be looking forward to better things, when the best things may be happening to me right now. So yeah, embrace the present sounds like pretty solid advice at the moment. But to stop anticipating and just live is to learn to forge ahead in spite of uncertainties. That's a learning process which I suspect will be lifelong for me.
So I was looking for a name that can convey what I think is important in life and not just in this phase of my life (because I really don't want to change my blog's title every 5 years), and clarity is a word that constantly pops up.
Clarity to me is to see things as they really are, and know that things are as they should be. And Clarity happens to be my favourite John Mayer song.
By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on
Those moments are so few and fleeting. But all of us must have experienced them at some point. And this from the Colin Firth film A Single Man expresses it the best:
A few times in my life I've had moments of absolute clarity, when for a few brief seconds the silence drowns out the noise and I can feel rather than think, and things seem so sharp and the world seems so fresh. I can never make these moments last. I cling to them, but like everything, they fade. I have lived my life on these moments. They pull me back to the present, and I realize that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be.
Not being able to hold on to these moments, I can live with, because knowing that I once had them matters more. Unlike George in the film, I don't live my life only on them because confusion and perplexity are always there, but in their wake they leave me with hope that I'll live it a little better.
This photo is so cute I can't help using it. Anyway, this has been one of the most relaxing Sundays ever. Yesterday I was very bored and angsty from being stuck at home and oversleeping and so pestered my siblings into going to Serangoon Gardens for prata. Indeed, a good kosong prata and teh tarik did the trick and I felt much better. Today was mostly spent tweeting and practising scales and searching online for accommodation for the upcoming NY trip. And having yummy curry rice for dinner with family and doing a spot of shopping at Compass Point.
And now, the most urgent thing needing my attention is music theory homework (which if you ask me, is worse than Maths homework) but even that is mostly done. After that, I will settle down with some tea and a book and read myself to sleep. Tomorrow, I will rise at 9am and dilly-dally a little and get myself some MacDonald's breakfast and practise some more on the violin. Yup, that's my plan for now. I really could get used to this.
I had been in a stupor all weekend, feeling exhausted both in spirit and body. On my last day, I was still mired in work at 8.30pm, desperately trying to archive my emails properly for the new PE taking over my journals, while a group of colleagues and ex-colleagues waited for me. We were supposed to have a farewell dinner outside but because I couldn't leave on time they had to order in pizza to eat in the pantry. I had initially thought it's kinda sad to have dinner in the office on my last day, but I'm actually thankful that they accompanied me through to the end, so that i didn't have to be the last person to leave the office by my lonesome self.
I don't really like being the centre of attention but for some reason, my farewells usually turn out to be too big for my liking. I used to feel very uncomfortable, even somewhat frustrated that those closest to me would want to push me into the limelight when they should know better. I know now that they do this to me simply because they want me to know that I'm "dearly loved". I'm very privileged, my department head said to me, and I agree with her.
For the send-off, 3 guy colleagues performed the song "Forget You" that I had jokingly requested for a few weeks ago. One played the guitar, another the harmonica while the 3rd sang in the training room for my team and I. The singer told me they had rehearsed 6 times for this. We stayed around and sang and took photos.
For reasons that I won't go into here, this has been a very emotional farewell for me. There was a low period in my life last year when I felt that I had not made a single genuine friend in this place. But I know now that there has never been a place where I had been surrounded by so many like-minded friends who wish me well. I find it so hard to say goodbye, but yet it was the leaving that made me realise how good they've been to me. I've said goodbye to the place, but not the friends I'll have even as I move on.
My last week at W-B is finally here. It's been a busy few weeks and the past one has been stupendously tiring, with me eating dinner and junk food (for comfort) at the office and working overtime. So tired that I spent the whole Saturday in bed, climbing out only for lunch and dinner, a bit of facebooking and a walk in the park. It was so shiok that I didn't feel a bit of guilt for wasting the precious weekend at all.
But this is the last lap! The finishing line is in sight. Time to sprint now. I hope I run a good one, for myself and the others who have to take over my journals. Later!
March was really quite a month.
We finally got to see and coo over little Jarrett, Hong and Ah Beng's baby boy whom we were all waiting to meet.
My brother suffered an unexpected heartbreak--he took it hard, and we (or at least, my parents and I) along with him. My 2 sisters were calmer about it. It seems that they never did like his ex much. Me, on the other hand, had thought her to be a very nice girl. This experience taught me that when it comes to reading people, I still have much to learn.
Less than a week after that, the earthquake in Japan happened and that gave me a scare because my eldest sister is still working in Tokyo. The 2 hours after the earthquake when we couldn't reach her through the phone was some very scary 2 hours indeed. Yes, I did plenty of worrying over my siblings even though the one constant reminder to myself this year is to not worry.
And then, I found a new job and resigned from my current one, although I'm still serving my notice. I've been trying hard to spend more time with different groups of colleagues because I really want to keep them as friends thereafter. And now, back after an East Coast Park outing with my lunch kakis today, I feel quite emotional when I think about my impending departure. I'm no good with good-byes and probably never will. A thought that often runs through my mind at times of such separation is, why can't human relationships ever stay constant? Why must we fall out, break up, quarrel, leave, or die? Why do I have to feel so much, every time?
All this worrying and anxiety over other people for the past month made me realise how dear they are to me and yet another reminder to forgetful me to not take them for granted. Anyway, my sister is finally coming back home from Japan, although she will be jetting off for travels for most of this year. As for my close colleagues, a part of me know it is inevitable that we'll drift apart when we're no longer at the same place at the same time. But still, there is pleasure in converting them from colleagues to friends, because I'll always hold the latter closer to my heart.
