Take it Eazzzy

My resolutions for this year are pretty simple: to fall sick less and play more. I dare say I had a good run for about 6 months. During that time, I chalked up only a half-day MC and made an effort to meet up with different groups of friends. Socially, I've not been this active since...since...I don't know, JC?

But it looks like my body has run out of steam. I started getting colds again. The current bout has lasted 8 days and now viral rash is appearing on my neck. A few too many pimples have been blooming on my face. I feel too tired to go out with friends or family. And because my father is undergoing chemotherapy now, his immune system is compromised and I've to avoid being in the same room as him.

Health is a concern very much on the everyone' s mind right now. My eldest sister gave me a prep talk about living more healthily and making an effort to improve my immune system a few nights ago as she sees me as the weakest link in the family. 

I'd say she's right. I really need to take better care of myself. My prevailing thought this year has been to do more. I need to go out more, read more, learn more, catch up with more friends, know more about what's happening and try more new things. But now I just want to take it easy.I've designated this weekend to be a sleepfest...and the weather is just right for that. I'll do nothing but laze around and take my meds and sleep without feeling guilt that I've postponed a meet-up to December, I'm not reading any of the books on the expanding list in my mind, or the magazines piling up on the bedroom floor, or practising that interesting little piece called Tambourin on my violin, or watching the DVD of the documentary Old Places I bought a few weeks ago. I probably shouldn't even be blogging. Yeah, I just want to eat, sleep, bum around and let my tired body and mind rest. All else can wait. Only when I'm taking good care of myself can I take care of others. 

Image.Music.Text.

I started a new blog! It's at http://image-music-text.tumblr.com/


It doesn't seem like a good idea to start another one when this blog is so inactive. But this new blog has a more specific purpose: I'm using it to make sense of the images, text and music I come into contact with every day, in the hope of learning how to better use these modes of expression.


I decided to start this online scapbook to collect all the things that inspire me in one way or another. Why do it online? I'm a muddled thinker, and as a consequence, a muddled writer. This becomes more obvious to me after I started writing for my new job. My main problem is that my articles lack a logical flow--the ideas are all mixed up together. 


I guess it's the way I think--my head is filled with half-formed ideas somehow (and sometimes illogically) connected to each other. Writing them down seem to help sort out the confusion and bring some focus to my thinking process. And when I know I'm writing for an audience, I try even harder to bring some discipline to the internal chaos. 


But Facebook is too public and this blog is too private. My aim is to make Image.Music.Text. my public blog. I've since realised that sharing of knowledge and ideas is crucial to our personal development and hope that the blog will lead to that one day.


I will still continue to write here. This is the online refuge that I come to whenever I need to vent, complain, think and comfort myself. And during those years when I wasn't writing at all for my various jobs, this was the only avenue for me to keep the writing going, knowing that I have a sympathetic audience who won't judge me too much. :) 

Ideas live on

When I hear comments about how Apple is going downhill from here, I get reminded that people die, but ideas live on.


Perhaps some of the most important work we should do is to ensure that ideas that are worth spreading, spread. Act on them. Tell stories with them. Live them out. Nourish and expand them. Anything to keep them alive for those who come after us. 


This train of thought coincided with what I've been mulling about for the past weeks. Recently, I attended a lecture by Prof Lee Shulman from the US who is well known in the teacher education field. He studies the teaching and learning practices, or pedagogy, that professions such as law and medicine use to train their practitioners.


To him, going back to the fundamentals is crucial. He asked a group of engineers: so what is an engineer? Their reply: "An engineer uses science and math to mess with the world by designing and making beautiful things...and once you mess with the world, you're responsible for the mess you've made."


Before this lecture, if you had asked me what I was, I would have replied: I'm a writer and editor, and I work with words. Simple. 


But now I realise that working with words is just a technical skill, a craft I need to hone for my vocation. What is it that I'm trying to achieve exactly? 


I've always felt that those who can't do, write. I look at the other professions, like doctors, scientists and engineers and feel that they are making genuine and tangible contributions to the well-being of others. What can a writer do? Societies can't do without doctors, nurses and teachers, but writers seem...dispensable. But I thought, writers tell stories. And perhaps their responsibility to the society is to tell only the good ones, the worthy ones. 


To do that, first, I must learn my crafts well. So be it writing, or taking photos or making music--if it gets the message across, I want to learn more. I know it all sounds very hazy and idealistic, but it's good to have something to focus on. It's so easy to get lost in the daily humdrum. A question that constantly pops up is: What am I doing with my life? For now, I seem to have found some sort of a reply, however vague.  


Some people think astrology is bosh. But the description of my sign pretty much sums it up. Those born under the Gemini-Cancer cusp are supposed to be good communicators with an emotional side.  That's what I want to be: a communicator with a heart. One who will help the good ideas to spread, and help people to connect the dots by telling stories, and in that process bring about positive changes to lives. 

Above all, I like that music

Music exams have always been nerve-wrecking affairs for me. Actually, make that for everyone. I wonder what is it about these exams that reduce grown-ups into quivering jelly in the exam studio. It could probably explain why my chromatic scale started on A and ended on G. The examiner paused. I paused too, and thought "shit". That was an awkward moment. 


And what happened before the exam didn't help soothe the nerves. With less than 2 weeks left, our accompanist said she can't make it for our exams as she had to fly to China to handle some contract matters. 


But OK, the good thing is the replacement turned out to be better. "Better" by the way, doesn't refer to their technical prowess on the piano, but their ability to set me at ease. 


On the day itself, I was feeling quite calm. I had been feeding on bananas for the past few days--someone on the ABRSM forum swears that 2 bananas before the exam can calm the jitters. I even went to the park to walk off the remaining anxiety. I was ready. 


I reached the exam venue half an hour before my slot. Knowing myself, I didn't want to arrive too early and end up getting all stressed up, just waiting outside the studio. The accompanist was already there. My teacher told me she wouldn't be around but another violin teacher would help me to tune my instrument. So I asked at the counter, where's the violin teacher? But the staff told me there was none. 


OK, never mind. I knew the second option was to go to the nearby violin shop to get it tuned. My teacher is on good terms with them and have told them to help. 


The walk there was a little farther than I thought but tuning shouldn't take long. But what did you know, the violin pegs were so stiff that the guy couldn't tune it and ended up taking all of them out and waxing them. And he even told me the E string was crooked. All this time when he was "dismantling" my violin, I was panicking and pacing the shop. I've no time left and will come back to get the pegs fixed another time, I told him. But he was resolute and said it had to be done or there's no point in going for the exam because I'll sound terrible. 


It got so late that the dad of the candidate (a little boy of 12) before me came to the shop to look for me. He had earlier given me directions to the shop and was worried I was lost because I was taking so long. His boy had already started his exam. We quickly rushed back, I practised each piece once with my accompanist who tried to calm me down, and in we went to the studio. 


I'm not sure whether I'll pass this exam. My accompanist wasn't sure too, as I skipped a few bars of the second piece in a moment of confusion. But it's not worrying me much. I hadn't expected to come as far as Grade 5, seeing that I almost quit after the first year of learning. And I don't mind retaking it, just so to make sure my basics are sound.

There was a time when I was convinced that music is the most universal, emotional and divine language, the language to communicate with God. And when I think of all the modalities of communication such as text, images and music, the last resonates most strongly for me. The Grade 5 exam had been stressful and I fretted quite a bit to my colleagues. One told me to stop the exams after this, and do "music appreciation" instead. That made me realise that from the perspective of an outsider, music is a source of stress to me. And it made me remember why I'm learning it in the first place. I do it because I like it, and I like playing it with others. So even though I'll always fret about the exams, I'll not forget again that above all else, I like music. And that is a good enough reason to continue on. 

The sun will rise, the sun will set

That's what the current president said when asked if he'd be emotional about the last national day parade he would preside over.


I think that's how my father thinks of his life as well. Depending on which doctor you ask, he has less than a year (without chemotherapy) or at least 5 to 10 more years left. The more optimistic one advised him to carry on with his life as usual and fight it as you would with any other disease. 


The uncertainty of it all has been draining. From whether it really is cancer, to whether operation is possible, to how advanced it is, everything has been a question mark. 


Everyone in the family feels down and some are already showing signs of stress--there's been a couple of outbursts this week. My eldest sister told me that she HATES going to the doctors with my father because she has to mentally prepare herself for the diagnosis every time and has to recount the details to me and my sister later. 


I feel like a bit of a wreck too. I would have sudden urges to cry in public places, like on the MRT. Often, I feel like just curling up to sleep. 


My father seems to be the calmest of us all. He kept saying that he has already lived to a ripe old age and everyone has to go some time. Now he just wants to make sure he has everything in order. A chat with him and my siblings on Friday calmed me down somewhat. Hopefully when I'm old I would be as serene as him about death and dying. Worrying is so tiring. I have to get moving again. We all have to carry on and live as best as we could, even if the time is short. 

On a Monday Morning

On my way to an interview this morning, I spotted this acrylic painting in the corridor entitled I Love June.

Sweeeeet. I did need a little cheering up this PMS-y morning, when the moment I stepped out of the train in Boon Lay, I wanted to step back in and go home.   

My interests

I've changed my job and am back at NIE again. But this time, writing is the main responsibility and also the reason why I've gone back despite many reservations.


So far, I've written 4 articles--one of them edited beyond recognition. It needs more hard work than expected, but wasn't as scary as I thought. I used to write during my internship and there were days when I simply couldn't churn out any coherent sentences. When I did, the editor said the pieces sounded all the same. I guess that experience put me off writing for a living. It was too intense.


So the job now is quite a good fit--I get to write but not all the time, because I have to juggle other editorial administrative work.Writing is sometimes boring, often draining, and always humbling (when you get the draft back from the editor with half the content struck off and most other parts rephrased). But it's something I want to work hard at and excel in. 


The recent trip to New York and Washington DC also inspired me to take up photography. NY is an especially photogenic city and it's a waste that I didn't know how to capture its vibrance. Besides, I need to take photos for my articles for the new job. I've also always wanted to be able to take nice photos for this blog instead of "stealing" other people's all the time. :)


And lastly, of course, is music. When a friend asked what was the my most enjoyable experience from the recent US trip, I said it was the NY Youth Symphony's performance at the Carnegie Hall. I can't explain why, but the music just made me feel  present, that there's no better place to be than to be surrounded by the music. The enthusiasm and talent of the (very good-looking) conductor and the young players was also pretty inspiring. 


Speaking of which, my violin exam is coming again! Every single time, it's a mad rush--I don't know why! But I'm switching into exam gear now and am practising more. Must Focus!


So these are the 3 things that have been keeping me happily occupied for the past weeks. Ever since hitting 30 I've tried to be more conscious of where I'm heading to in life and what I want to do. If what they say about doing what you love is true, then I hope that my career will someday, somehow, converge with this trilogy. In the meantime, I'll just have to keep working on them!

Clichés and Clarity

One sure sign that you're getting old is that clichés begin to make a lot more sense. I've been looking for a new name for this blog, because it seems a waste to always live in anticipation. I'll always be looking forward to better things, when the best things may be happening to me right now. So yeah, embrace the present sounds like pretty solid advice at the moment. But to stop anticipating and just live is to learn to forge ahead in spite of uncertainties. That's a learning process which I suspect will be lifelong for me. 


So I was looking for a name that can convey what I think is important in life and not just in this phase of my life (because I really don't want to change my blog's title every 5 years), and clarity is a word that constantly pops up. 


Clarity to me is to see things as they really are, and know that things are as they should be. And Clarity happens to be my favourite John Mayer song. 


By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on


Those moments are so few and fleeting. But all of us must have experienced them at some point. And this from the Colin Firth film A Single Man expresses it the best:


 A few times in my life I've had moments of absolute clarity, when for a few brief seconds the silence drowns out the noise and I can feel rather than think, and things seem so sharp and the world seems so fresh. I can never make these moments last. I cling to them, but like everything, they fade. I have lived my life on these moments. They pull me back to the present, and I realize that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be. 


Not being able to hold on to these moments, I can live with, because knowing that I once had them matters more. Unlike George in the film, I don't live my life only on them because confusion and perplexity are always there, but in their wake they leave me with hope that I'll live it a little better. 

Lazy Sunday

This photo is so cute I can't help using it. Anyway, this has been one of the most relaxing Sundays ever. Yesterday I was very bored and angsty from being stuck at home and oversleeping and so pestered my siblings into going to Serangoon Gardens for prata. Indeed, a good kosong prata and teh tarik did the trick and I felt much better. Today was mostly spent tweeting and practising scales and searching online for accommodation for the upcoming NY trip. And having yummy curry rice for dinner with family and doing a spot of shopping at Compass Point. 


And now, the most urgent thing needing my attention is music theory homework (which if you ask me, is worse than Maths homework) but even that is mostly done. After that, I will settle down with some tea and a book and read myself to sleep. Tomorrow, I will rise at 9am and dilly-dally a little and get myself some MacDonald's breakfast and practise some more on the violin. Yup, that's my plan for now. I really could get used to this. 

Saying goodbye

I had been in a stupor all weekend, feeling exhausted both in spirit and body. On my last day, I was still mired in work at 8.30pm, desperately trying to archive my emails properly for the new PE taking over my journals, while a group of colleagues and ex-colleagues waited for me. We were supposed to have a farewell dinner outside but because I couldn't leave on time they had to order in pizza to eat in the pantry. I had initially thought it's kinda sad to have dinner in the office on my last day, but I'm actually thankful that they accompanied me through to the end, so that i didn't have to be the last person to leave the office by my lonesome self. 


I don't really like being the centre of attention but for some reason, my farewells usually turn out to be too big for my liking. I used to feel very uncomfortable, even somewhat frustrated that those closest to me would want to push me into the limelight when they should know better. I know now that they do this to me simply because they want me to know that I'm "dearly loved". I'm very privileged, my department head said to me, and I agree with her. 


For the send-off, 3 guy colleagues performed the song "Forget You" that I had jokingly requested for a few weeks ago. One played the guitar, another the harmonica while the 3rd sang in the training room for my team and I. The singer told me they had rehearsed 6 times for this. We stayed around and sang and took photos. 


For reasons that I won't go into here, this has been a very emotional farewell for me. There was a low period in my life last year when I felt that I had not made a single genuine friend in this place. But I know now that there has never been a place where I had been surrounded by so many like-minded friends who wish me well. I find it so hard to say goodbye, but yet it was the leaving that made me realise how good they've been to me. I've said goodbye to the place, but not the friends I'll have even as I move on. 

Sprint!

My last week at W-B is finally here. It's been a busy few weeks and the past one has been stupendously tiring, with me eating dinner and junk food (for comfort) at the office and working overtime. So tired that I spent the whole Saturday in bed, climbing out only for lunch and dinner, a bit of facebooking and a walk in the park. It was so shiok that I didn't feel a bit of guilt for wasting the precious weekend at all.


But this is the last lap! The finishing line is in sight. Time to sprint now. I hope I run a good one, for myself and the others who have to take over my journals. Later!

And time still marches on

March was really quite a month. 


We finally got to see and coo over little Jarrett, Hong and Ah Beng's baby boy whom we were all waiting to meet. 


My brother suffered an unexpected heartbreak--he took it hard, and we (or at least, my parents and I) along with him. My 2 sisters were calmer about it. It seems that they never did like his ex much. Me, on the other hand, had thought her to be a very nice girl. This experience taught me that when it comes to reading people, I still have much to learn. 


Less than a week after that, the earthquake in Japan happened and that gave me a scare because my eldest sister is still working in Tokyo. The 2 hours after the earthquake when we couldn't reach her through the phone was some very scary 2 hours indeed. Yes, I did plenty of worrying over my siblings even though the one constant reminder to myself this year is to not worry.


And then, I found a new job and resigned from my current one, although I'm still serving my notice. I've been trying hard to spend more time with different groups of colleagues because I really want to keep them as friends thereafter. And now, back after an East Coast Park outing with my lunch kakis today, I feel quite emotional when I think about my impending departure. I'm no good with good-byes and probably never will. A thought that often runs through my mind at times of such separation is, why can't human relationships ever stay constant? Why must we fall out, break up, quarrel, leave, or die? Why do I have to feel so much, every time? 


All this worrying and anxiety over other people for the past month made me realise how dear they are to me and yet another reminder to forgetful me to not take them for granted. Anyway, my sister is finally coming back home from Japan, although she will be jetting off for travels for most of this year. As for my close colleagues, a part of me know it is inevitable that we'll drift apart when we're no longer at the same place at the same time. But still, there is pleasure in converting them from colleagues to friends, because I'll always hold the latter closer to my heart. 

A little plan for a long journey

OK, so I have been trying to do a little planning for my future and here is the rough idea: as I have just signed up for the Grade 5 practical violin exam and am thoroughly not prepared for it, from now till September my focus will be dedicated to music, both practical and theory. 


After that, I will embark on a diploma in translation, for which again I feel I'm not qualified to take on. But then, I've been thinking of this for a long time, even taking up a business Mandarin course to brush up on my Chinese a little. I don't know why, but I desperately want to be effectively bilingual. Taking the diploma part-time would take up about 2 years. And after that, maybe I can realistically start to eye a master's in Chinese Studies, or something similar. 


It's very tempting to want to do everything at the same time, but unfortunately I have a one-track mind and can focus only on one thing at a time. Besides, I want to have time for fun too. :) I am not confident about my competency in all these studies that I want to pursue but maybe if I do it slowly and steadily, I will eventually get there. Learning is going to be a long journey, but one which I am eager to undertake. I just hope that this plan sticks, this time!

What are you calling me?

So I had been telling family, close friends, and colleagues that I want to get an English name. I had expected them to be a bit bewildered and ask "Why?" and "Why only now?", but most of them took it in just like that, and enthusiastically threw up all sorts of suggestions.


Suggested names included Tessa, Summer, Jennifer, Jody, Julia, Judith (I have a preference for J names), Heather, and even Maureen. Actually, I already had June in mind. But there were more no's than yes's for it. Too common, was the most common refrain. You don't look like a June, said my eldest sis. The June's she knows are all , well, bigger in built. 


There are so many pretty names out there that it'd be difficult to choose. Once I become a June, I can't become a Sarah. If I had my way, I'd be called June Summer Sarah Tessa Teng. :) But I've like June for a long time. Though I cannot recall how and when I first liked the name, I remember as a student practising my signature as "June Teng", imagining myself signing off my credit card purchases with a flourish.  


The reason I'm doing this only now is mainly because of my parents. Being conservatively Chinese, my father didn't even like it if letters addressed me as PH Teng, with my surname last instead of first. As teenagers we've asked them before if we can have English names, and they explicitly said no. But the years seem to have softened them, and I'm about the change my IC anyway, so what better time than now? 


I had explained to my sister that I feel no affinity to my given name. My ex-work neighbour was one of the most enthusiastic in giving me suggestions for names. He said, can you imagine having to introduce yourself as PH to people for the first time. I instinctively and hotly defended my name, saying that it's perfectly fine. Because even though I do not quite identify with it, it is mine and given by my parents. But I guess, I do want something that I can identify with, finally. So even though most people asked me to consider other alternatives, I will probably stick with June when I finally get around to replacing my IC, because it feels right, and comfortable to me, like a slightly over-sized woollen sweater. But it's probably going to take some getting used to. And of course, my dear friends and family can use it if they want, and not if they don't. Hello, my name is June. :)

Day 11

I'm in the throes of PMS today. Actually, make that most of this month. My period is 11 days late and counting. My back is stiff and I feel uber tired, not to mention a little sorry for myself. So obviously, I didn't achieve great things today. But at least I haven't snapped at anyone (Except my mother during the weekend. Shit.) or scooted off into a corner, sulking. And I managed to get work done today, on top of learning about modulation of keys in music. That's not too bad. Props to myself!

Sunshine beckons

"What a long, maddening, illuminative year this has been" was how I described 2010 on Facebook.

A colleague saw it and thought I was complaining. "It could have been better, huh?", he asked. Yes, it certainly could have been better, but it wouldn't have been as educative. As I replied, any pain or struggle along the way was worth it.

It has been a curious year during which I went through quite a lot of ups and downs, mostly the latter. Due to the stress and upsets (imagined or otherwise) at the workplace, not to mention being worn down by minor ailments that I couldn't shake off, I was in low spirits for a large part of the year.

During those wintry months when my soul caught a chill, I had lots of down time to hibernate and reflect on myself. There is this a flighty, Geminian side of me that becomes preoccupied with new people and acquaintances. But I really ought to be nicer to and more appreciative of the people who matter, people who have been in my life for a long time, like my family and close friends. People in the workplace, they figure prominently in my daily life, but most likely, they will fade away once I leave the place.

Maybe the year was tough going also because I worry too much, about where I'm headed to next, whether I'm too different to ever fit into anyone's scheme of things, or too old to make something out of my life. But I think I'm getting better at this--since hitting 30 my angst level has been dropping off ever so gently. This is one advantage of age that I hadn't reckon on. :) Life would be easier if I take myself, and everything else, less seriously. Since boo-boos happen whether I like them or not, might as well view them with good humour.

In 2010, I was sitting still, waiting quietly for my grey skies to clear. And, thankfully, the gloom did lift during the last months. Now, the first faint rays of sunshine in 2011 seem to beckon me to come out and play. Perhaps that is what I'll do. I've done my fair share of worrying to last me a long time. May 2011 be filled with sunshine and promise for you reading this, yes, all 2 of you!